lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,

Ok, so I suck at posting

There was a time in my life when journaling was one of the most important parts of my day. I remember looking forward to writing and then reading what I wrote and often feeling surprised because until I wrote the words down, I really wasn't sure what my thoughts or feelings were. Then, suddenly, there they were in black and white and I somehow had opened up a door into my soul that I didn't know existed before. It was how I worked out issues, it was how I weighed the pros and cons of decisions, and it was where I explored my spirituality.

My journal was important enough to me at the time that I had designated friends who promised to take care of it if anything ever happened to me, keeping it safe from anyone who might not 'get it'. One time,  my mother found my journal, carefully hidden between the pages of the Random House dictionary I kept in my room. Both my sister and I were in big trouble over some things I barely remember now. It is interesting how perspective changes, it is interesting how something so important fades.

When I started my LJ account, I thought it would be the same as writing in my journal, with the difference that some of my posts could be private and some could be read by others. It seems like such a good way to share and discuss and get feedback. I AVIDLY read my friends' posts, even if I seldom comment. I suppose it is a way of me engaging without leaving a ripple. To all my friends: I am your silent cheerleader, and I send you all much energy of love and caring. Your posts make me think...they make me laugh...they make me cry.

So, I neglect posting, and you all (assuming there is anyone out there reading this) don't have the same opportunity that you give to me. Then a month, or two, or six has gone by and where do I start? All that water under the bridge, all of it having profound effects on my life, and here I am today a changed person. A person you may no longer know, this person I am getting to know as well. And I can't seem to find that starting place, the focus of 'begin'. Probably because I am in the middle somewhere, in many ways dealing with issues that affect those of us in the middle. This is part of me just being human, woman, spirit...

So, I could write a chatty little bit about what I have been up to, sort of like those letters people send with their Christmas cards. Bleah. I could summarize the details of our busy daily lives, taking moments out and highlighting fun/interesting/different things that have happened to me in the past month/two/six. People I have met, places I have gone. Planning the wedding. Vacations. So much 'stuff' has happened.

But I would still be only skimming the surface, and I would not be using this journal for what I believe it is intended: A window to my own soul, with provision for others to see my journey. Which leads to another question: What others? Just who IS my audience? I know several people who post on other sites (I read their journals as well). I even made a brief stab at journaling on one of those sites, with the same unfortunate inertia. Time goes by and I don't post, then I don't know where to start.
Meanwhile, my life is getting progressively out of balance, I claim to be in the middle, but 'feel' like I am at a tipping point. And I don't have any thoughtful insightful words that I have written to return to as markers of how I might have gotten here. I know how balance feels, I remember it, I just don't know how to get there from here. 

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