lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,

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New Level

Last week-end, a process was begun to get me to a new level...I am somewhat afraid of this process, I became so open and felt more vulnerable than I have ever felt. I tried to flow with it, flow through the fear and into him, I breathed his energy into my body and willed myself to be open, willed myself to allow the energy to flow as my energetic body expanded. That state of vulnerability is raw and almost animalistic as I grasp at words to try to explain the emotions and urges that were passing through me.

I had a wave of depression on Sunday. Fortunately, it lasted only briefly, a few hours, but it was one of the deepest despairs I have ever felt. I, again, did not know "why" I felt that way, I could not point to an event that caused the feelings. It seemed that all of my interactions that afternoon reinforced my state of feeling minimalized. Several people communicated with S about things I felt should have been communicated to me directly. It felt weird. As I sat in the maelstrom of my emotions, I sincerely wondered if I have a space of my own or am I now an extension of him. I was SO unable to process anything cogently.

As the depression lifted, I had a sense that something outside of myself had passed through me, in the spiritual sense. Not as much a shift in the universe, but, back to the opening up process, I had been made available for the energies of the earth to use me to help clear some of the crap. Not MY crap, but universal crap...

I really wanted to be angry at him for "putting me in that position", but it would have been misplaced anger. I am more annoyed by the process of discovering the spiritual jobs I have to do here than the agent of how I get there.

He had an image of a doorway that I am standing in front of, and he is both on the side where I am and also on the other side of the door. When he described this image to me, it resonated. I realize this morning that I am still on one side of the door, and I am not sure really how to step across that threshold. It would seemingly be easy, take a step. BUT there is more to the process. I feel some fear about it.

Once, many years ago, I had a "visitation". I was told of some things to expect and that I would have some things happen to me, at the time it was expressed as "crossroads". This is one of them.... and I am at a loss, I want to process this through my ego and fears, but the only way I CAN process it is through spirit.

So, I will spend more time in meditation as I allow the lesson of the doorway to become clear. I know I will soon step through to the other side, where S will be waiting for me for the next step in our journey together.
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