lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,

  • Mood:

Been a while

Things have been so busy for me that I have not had the time to sit and post. Part of the problem is that I want to make my posts 'perfect', by which I mean- well thought out, introspective, hopeful and informative at the same time. I guess sometimes you just can't catch them all. Part of this is that it helps provide milestones...marking a place in time where something momentous or not-so-momentous happened.

So, to catch up:
I successfully passed my 3 month evaluation period. I really had some soul searching going on about the job. I have not worked part-time/hourly for well over 20 years, and it is a change. Add to that the decrease in pay, and I was feeling underutilized and also underpaid.
I really had to make a decision about the job, figure out why I took the job and how it fits in with the rest of my life. The dissatisfaction with my job came along with the general un-ease I have been feeling about my life altogether. SO...I decided that the decreased hours provide me with the flexibility to 'grow' in other areas (even if I haven't spent actual time on those areas) and getting a shiny new high stress high pay job would take away the opportunity. WE do not need me to work full time, HE is totally supportive of this work situation on every plane from financial to spiritual. 
I suppose part of the job angst has been that I have defined myself by what I do for so many years. One of the things that is discussed within minutes of meeting new people..."what do you do?"...and really really overcoming the "do" so I can realize the truth is that I yearn to "be" and flow. So, working part-time will allow me to embrace the next step in the evolution of my life. Good stuff.

In November, I had my final visit at the knee surgeon. I still lack about 2 inches of range of motion of my knee and I cannot squat. Considering it all, those are minor annoyances. Mentally, with the help of S and therapy, I have healed most of the depression, anger, fear issues I had been having. I have come a long way from where I was a few months ago, and have started to wind down the therapy sessions. 
I am resuming weight watchers after having gained an additional 5 pounds on top of the 13 I gained after surgery. 
I have finally seen a doctor about a minor issue, and will be getting that taken care of next week. (After 4 months of trying to wish it away)

Sheldon and I are doing very well, it has been a long road of healing and love since summer. He has been consistently loving and just "there" for me, no matter what. He has put up with my waves of anger and depression. No wonder I love him so incredibly much. I cannot imagine my world without him at the center of it.

We went to Jacksonville and saw Noah and his family over the holidays. It was good to meet Kenny. Sheldon and I spent some time teaching the little ones how to ride bikes. Aaron did very well, Cassy made excuses why she couldn't do it. Interesting dynamics. Amy and Matt (and Tabby, Matt's girlfriend) came up the second week in January. It was a good visit. Amy is pulling her life back together, and Matt is showing a new maturity. We lent them (mostly Amy) Sheldon's van for a few months to help them get back on their feet. We also saw Amy and Matt on our way through DC on a recent Atlanta trip, and gave Amy some advice on how to get her finances back in order. Carl is still living with us, trying to figure out what he wants to do with himself. Currently he is working 2 part-time jobs and still struggling with his own traction.

I have struggled for the past several months (even more so than the rest of my life, lol) to figure out where I belong, why things have become so incredibly hard, and general "why am I here?" angst. With the help of a spirit based therapist and a patient and loving partner, I have started to feel my sense of belonging in the world return. Sometimes throughout my life, it has been easier just to float above attachments as a way to stay safe from pain. I do realize that this is a smoke and mirrors trick I have played with myself, because pain knows the back door entrance. But it had become such a "safe" place for me that it has become almost instinctive for me to detach (run away) when I could not see a solution. I would feel a trust that the universe would guide me to the next 'place' I needed to be. Funny how I have ended up at the same door so many times. THIS time, I will cross the threshold into the house. 
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment