lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,

Dark nights of the soul

I have these: nights of sleepless pain, fear, betrayal. Nights of such restless upset that I feel that life may never be normal again. Mine tend to revolve around relationships, who I am, how I fit. Obsessing about things I have no control over that have big effects on me.

My latest obsession is trust. I have learned that even in the best circumstance with seemingly excellent communication, there are lapses. Whether by design or by inattention, some information was not shared with me. When the bits and pieces of the information came together, it felt like a betrayal. The obsessing then starts to descend (for me) when I think about where the real miscommunication comes from. Is it a lack of expression of expectations? Is it a lack of actual connection or closeness? Is it due to projection of my own set of standards?

So, I have been thinking of trust. One friend of mine recently said that trust has many levels. You may trust someone to mow your lawn but may not trust them to lend them your car. You may trust someone to discuss your children, but not your sex life, etc. So, perhaps, the miscommunication is in the level of trust. In an intimate relationship trust is at a higher level, or so I thought. I may have been wrong.
Two things I came up with: 1) Don't ask, don't tell. 2) Too private to share (i.e. none of your business).
I was introduced to a third concept (which I intellectually and spiritually reject, but feel I should put it here just to round out the field) 3) Not important.
It leads me to think that trust and boundaries need to be more specifically addressed in future relationships. It is not enough to say "I believe in complete honesty", since 'complete' and 'honest' are open to interpretation. Not only that, but what sex is can also be open to interpretation (we all remember Bill Clinton's definition). I also have realized that even with a definition of "what is sex", there needs to be a deeper definition of intimacy. What may be a deeply intimate act for you ("sex") may be nothing to someone else (see #3 above).

What I have discovered in the past 2 days is that I can trust myself. I can trust my intuition. I have been triggered in the past by the ripples of actions that had an effect on my ability to be intimate with others, and this will continue to happen. My intuition is not wrong. I can trust others only insofar as they are capable of honesty and openness. And once I know what that level is in someone else, I can know their boundaries with me.

Ultimately, I am the one who is traveling this life path, and the connection with others that seems so important to me may well be a figment of my projective imagination. And no matter how close I 'think' I am to someone else, there will be gaps. Maybe huge gaps, maybe gaps that lead to disconnection. And that is what scares me. Because I don't know how to bridge that one, and I don't know if I have the language to make another person understand how deep *I* want to go in relationship, how far I crave extending the trust.

For now, I see trust as a limit. NOT "I trust you." BUT "I trust you to X level".
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