lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,
lightheart_7
lightheart_7

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Discouraged

The surgery was more than 2 weeks ago. The whole injury/ recovery/surgery/ recovery scenario has strained me to my core. I have had times in my life where I breezed through hardships with little thought of how I managed to circumvent the psychic scars that "should" have accompanied those hardships. Now I wonder if I really did circumvent them, or if , once we pass through a hardship and come out on the other side, if part of the human condition is the gift of forgetting how much despair has passed through us.

The pain is like a living thing, a companion that reminds me of my mortality, keeping me in the present in a way that propels me to work even harder to find the positive note in any particular moment. And I feel like I am failing miserably at finding those positive notes. I suppose I am lucky that over my lifetime I have had only rare times of chronic pain. I still end up feeling like I am not handling it "well" enough, or handling the recovery like I "should".

I am lucky I am welcomed in Sheldon's life and in his home, I am lucky to have the support of my work in my convalescence, so that I am not having to worry about finances. I am lucky to have my overall health to see me through this. And hopefully, I will be lucky and forget how discouraged I feel right now and be able to say at the end "it wasn't so bad".
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