lightheart_7 (lightheart_7) wrote,
lightheart_7
lightheart_7

Random thoughts

I know I don't post enough, and I somehow feel that it isn't fair to all those people who post regularly, allowing me to feed *my* brain with their musings. I can say I will try to do better, but I believe in order to do better, I have to make writing a habit, and I have to be disciplined about it and consistent. Most of the time I feel pulled in so many different directions, both in my thoughts and in my life, that I find it difficult to be consistently habitual about anything. My thought is that I should pull back into my own mindfulness. This would lead to doing the next thing that makes sense, and it does make sense to do the things that lead to physical, emotional and spiritual health, habitually.

I have spent a lot of time talking with 2 different friends lately, and also thinking about what it must be like to *be* them. They are both single, they are both dating. They are both in situations in their dating that don't fit very well. I have a lot of compassion for them, having been in that situation numerous times myself. Friend #1 has an incredible amount of hope that the relationship model she desires will happen within her current dating situation. Friend #2 knows that her current dating relationship has a limited life span. What makes the two friends so similar in the energy of MY relationships with them is that they are both terrifically lonely.
Loneliness is something I have felt often. I think most people have a sense of loneliness at times in life. I wonder if this common phenomenon has a specific spiritual purpose, and how the addition of others in our lives affects it. Because I haven't really found that having a deep loving relationship in my life makes the loneliness go away...it just makes it 'different'. The fantasy is that having a close loving relationship in your life will decrease the loneliness, when the reality is that the loneliness is an internal struggle of learning to live with and love yourself. Having another person or persons to focus on only keeps you too busy to fight that internal battle, and it only keeps you busy part of the time. Then an incomplete communication or a miscommunication happens, and you are faced with YOU, and the loneliness feels stronger because you believed the fantasy that having that 'other' would make it dissipate.
A concept I came up with a few days ago was that being in a day to day living relationship requires that I live in a state of constant forgiveness. And while I thought myself so clever and lofty for having that thought, at the same time, I wondered, "hmmm, what IS it that I feel that I am constantly forgiving?" Could it be that I am having to forgive that person for being someone different than myself? And to follow that train of thought, and wrap it into the loneliness issue, I realized that I did not spend the time that I lived by myself in a state of forgiveness of myself. I spent that time reaching outside of myself for others, and feeling that the connection to others in life was the "important part". Because I was lonely....

Living alone is hard, living with others is also hard. But they are both part of the overall patterns in life from which we learn.
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